Another Advice Column

Dear Abby,

I gave my children a simple ultimatum -- either a) achieve perfection in all aspects of life, or b) lose your father's love forever. They have, unexpectedly, chosen b. Without wanting to assign blame, I blame their mother. But my question for you is, at what point should I exchange these children for newer models? 

Signed, Daddy in Distress

Dear Daddy,

You are obviously a caring, passionate man. The warmth and generosity of your spirit sings forth from your prose, and I am left somewhat ravished by the spectacle you present of such profoundly wise parenting. Your children are clearly wrong for abandoning such a nurturing presence and will rue the day they forsake your loving embrace. 

With admiration, Abby

Dear Abby, 

I knew you would understand! My oldest, young Utrecht, age 6, placed 2d in the National Iron Smelting Competition this year -- well below his obvious potential. As punishment, I had him clean the weasel pit without the assistance of Heisenburg, our hired help. The weasels are rabid this time of year, so I'm hoping that this will teach him discipline. Meanwhile, Olfric, age 3, has yet to master his end game and as a result lost to the Russian master in chess, completely humiliating me and the family. He has been denied his pickled wren's liver for a week, but I don't think he's getting the message. 

Signed, Daddy

Dear Daddy,

It's good to see someone restoring traditional parenting techniques and firm family values to parenting. I literally swoon as I read and re-read your descriptions of your daily life and the fine example you set for your progeny. In all my years of writing this column, I have never felt anything like this before; at least not so strongly that I felt compelled to share it in such a public forum. But, dare I say it, could this be love? 

Amorously, Abby

Dear Abby,

And all of this is to say nothing of my how my wife Siglinde, has once more failed to win the World Wrestling Competition title - the third year running. Sometimes it feels like I am surrounded by mediocrity. 

Signed, Daddy

Dear Daddy,

Why yes, I will marry you! Meet me in Prague on New Year's Eve. We will begin a new life together in the wilderness of Eastern Europe. Love shall be our shelter and our food. When that runs out, we will live off the land and our wits. I have watched every episode of Man vs. Wild and feel pretty sure I've got the basics. Don't disappoint me!

Exultantly, Abby

Dear Abby,

To tell you the truth Abby, and I could be wrong, but I think the kids don't appreciate all the help I give them. When Utrecht brought back the silver medal in Olympic curling, who made him sweep out the entire back 40 with nothing but a toothbrush to help him hone his technique? When Olfric failed to steal fire from the Gods and we were left having to PAY for our heating bills last winter, who forced him to take on the challenge of the Sphinx so that he could learn the secret of making himself invisible? Me, that's who.

Signed, Daddy

Dear Daddy,

I know what you're thinking: Could Abby be the one? They only one who can make me happy? Heck, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't wondered the same thing about you. This is all so sudden and romantic. Don't get me wrong! It's dizzying being swept off my feet the way you have. I just don't want my better judgment to be blinded by my feelings. I've been hurt before. Please don't be upset with me, but I think I may just need a little more time to be sure. 

Hesitantly, Abby

Dear Abby: Sometimes, it just makes you want a cheeseburger, y'know? I've never told anyone this before, but I REALLY like cheeseburgers. They're simple, you know what I mean? 

Signed, Daddy

Dear Daddy,

Maybe the best thing would be for us to have a holiday together. You know, a short, two-week trip to the Riviera. So we can get to know each other better. See if this relationship has the potential I really feel it does. Don't you think we should be cautious? I know what you're going to say: "Throw caution to the wind, Abby!" or "I care not for caution, but must obey the wild solicitations of my soul, Abby." Oh, Daddy, I feel the same way, but I want this to work. I want us to work. 

Resolutely, Abby

Dear Abby,

There's this place that makes a really great burger. Flame broiled, not fried. It keeps the juice of the meat in the burger better. I also hear it's better for your heart.

Dear Daddy,

Who am I kidding? I love you! You love me! But we've both been around the block enough times to know that's not enough. Ours is a forbidden love. The world will never understand it -- or forgive it. A wide chasm of class, background, and love of weasel pits divides us, my love. Farewell, dear wanderer. May you find peace where ever the wind blows you. I will treasure the memory of our time together. I have never known a soul as pure, as unsullied, and as powerful as your own. Adieu. Adieu. Adieu.

Dear Abby,

Heck. I'm tired of talking about me. Tell me something about yourself.