Self-Involved, Self-Help Guru

 Dear Self-Involved, Self-Help Guru: 

I am 45 years old, recently married for the third time, and my spouse is starting to really get on my nerves. He never puts things away (among a number of other domestic “difficulties”), and whenever I bring it to his attention, he always turns the conversation around to something I’m doing that bothers him. While I want to take responsibility for my shortcomings, I feel like I can never have a two-way dialogue. This has been an issue in my past relationships too. Is there something about me that invites this kind of corrosive communication?

Signed, Frustrated    

Dear Frustrated:

Thanks for your letter. I’ve got this spot on my face that is really dry, you know what I mean? I think it’s probably psoriasis, but ointments only work sometimes. I told my doctor about it, and he said it was minor would probably clear up in due time, and to stop calling his office three times a day. Okay, maybe I was overreacting, but I didn’t care for his tone. After all, I’m paying his bills, right? I mean, right? What a jerk. Thanks again for your letter.  

Dear Self-Involved, Self-Help Guru: 

Help! I can’t pull my son away from the video games! I was initially opposed to buying them at all, but my wife and I agreed that it would be fun and, if supervised, a good way to help teach self-discipline. Unfortunately, we both work and can’t always monitor his free time, and little by little, he has spent more time playing games than doing much of anything else. They’re not violent games (I won’t allow it), but I am starting to be concerned about addiction. Am I overreacting?

Signed, Scared in Seattle

Dear Scared:

Why is it that sandwich shops never tell you they’re going to put tomatoes on a sandwich?!? They will tell you ingredients down to the most minute detail (like the dill that goes into their mayonnaise -- who cares!), but just sort of assume you LIKE tomato and so don’t bother to list it in the ingredients. So you order a sandwich in good faith, sit patiently, hungrily imagining the sandwich you think you ordered, and you end up with this nauseating, seed-filled vomit bomb poisoning your sandwich experience. Here’s a news flash guys: NOT EVERYONE LIKES TOMATOES!!  Thanks for your letter.  

Dear Self-Involved, Self-Help Guru: 

I think my husband is cheating on me. I found an email to him from a co-worker that looked possibly incriminating, but there’s a possibility I’m reading it wrong. We’ve been happily married for over 20 years and, to my knowledge, he has never dallied. But now my confidence is shaken. I asked him about it, and he got really defensive and left the house. I don’t want to ruin a good thing—he’s been a great provider all these years—but I don’t know if I can live with the doubt. What should I do? 

Signed, Shaken Trust

Dear Shaken:

I hear you. I myself only recently learned a newer, better way to interact with the people who write to me asking for advice. Rather than just launch into a story about myself (now matter how interesting!), I make sure they know I have heard what they have to say and that I understand. And do you know what? I think it’s really making a difference. I mean, I was good before, but I can tell there is a whole nother lever of trust I can establish by openly acknowledging I hear them. Who'd have guessed, right? Such a small change, but it makes it so much easier to make people do what I want them to. So, hurrah for me! And hurrah for you, too! I hope this helps. Thanks for writing!  

Dear Self-Involved, Self-Help Guru:

My mom has always been competitive with me. When I was on the cheerleading squad in high school, she learned all the cheers too and took great delight in doing them better than me. I have gotten over a lot of these issues, and in other ways, she’s a terrific mom. But I recently started a new relationship with a great guy and I think my mom is flirting with him. It seems far from harmless, and he has even said being around her makes him uncomfortable. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my mother, but I also don’t want to be competing for my boyfriend’s attention with her. Help!

Signed, Torn

Dear Torn:

Well, my editor is still not happy with me. Despite all my great progress answering these stupid letters and all the great advice and help I’ve given to COUNTLESS people, he says he’s still getting complaints about me. What do these people expect, is what I want to know? I’m just REALLY super depressed about the whole thing. It’s frustrating because I'm literally busting my butt, and I have all this great WISDOM to share, but no one seems to realize it. Honestly, I don’t even want to get out of bed any more. You sound like you’ve got a pretty screwed up life. What do you think I should I do? Oh, yeah, and talk to your mom. Or don’t. Whatever. Who cares?  

Dear Self-Involved, Self-Help Guru:

My boyfriend of three years broke up with me, telling me that he has fallen in love with someone else. Turns out, that “someone else” is my best friend. I feel so betrayed and so low, like I’ll never be able to trust or love anyone again. I don’t want to get up in the morning, and routine daily tasks seem so impossible. Please tell me this will pass and things will get better. All I can see is darkness and despair and I don’t know who else I can turn to.

Signed, Sad

Dear Sad:

Thank you so much! I HAVE been feeling really good about the advice I’ve been giving lately. It’s all the psychology I’ve studied. It really helps. I AM a better listener and I DO give better advice now. You know, it’s funny – and you’ll laugh at this – at first, I thought this advice column thing would be an easy way to make a few bucks while I figure out whether to pursue being a doctor or a cartoonist. I didn’t really take it seriously. I admit it. But now I’m seeing I really CAN make a difference in people’s lives. I’m feeling better about me than I ever have, and it feels great. ‘Cause let me tell you, there were a few years there where I was really in a bad way. In retrospect, I think I was in a shame spiral due to living with my parents and not having any job prospects. This led to a lot of anger and feelings of inadequacy, because, you know, in school, I was always the one who had to come home with all the awards, get straight A’s, etc. I never actually got the awards or straight A’s, but that didn’t change my NEED to do so. I learned that that’s called a “vicious circle” in psycho-speak. But you know what? It’s not about me. It’s about you. Knowing that you, my fans, have noticed my improvements means the world to me. You CAN turn to me. I WILL always be here for you sharing my wisdom whenever you need it. Thanks for writing! You rock!  

Dear Self-Involved, Self-Help Guru:

My husband of thirty years recently confessed to having had an affair with the same woman for the last decade. They apparently had regular trysts, took vacations together, and for a couple of years, he was even paying for an apartment for her when she lost her job. He claims it is over now, and that he wants to move forward with a clean slate with me, and he feels so much better having gotten this off his chest. I want to move forward, but after all the lying and deception, I don’t know if I can. Is it realistic to think we can ever have an honest relationship again? 

Signed, Betrayed  

Dear Betrayed:

You want to talk about betrayal? Let’s talk about betrayal. Betrayal is when your editor fires you over some bogus “three strikes you’re out” stupid baseball metaphor. Hey, loser! I don’t even watch baseball! So this is it. My last piece of advice. Forever. Trust no one. Okay? Trust no one. People are jerks and they’ll always let you down.  Even your parents, who won’t let you live with them anymore, even though you’re only 42. So you won’t have me to kick around anymore. Happy? You people could have been nicer about my column and let me live out my dreams, but you had to ruin it all, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?!? So figure it out for yourself from now on, see if I care! The Wisdom Shop is closed!