The Soothsayer warned “Regicide!”
And poor Caesar thought as he died:
“This dastardly plot,
Succeed, it could not
If I had just asked: ‘What’s an Ide?’”
March 14, 2018
Unlike the words of this rhyme,
A pie is good all the time.
And Pi is a treat,
For it doesn't repeat
Unlike the words of this rhyme.
January 5, 2018
Oh winter’s a beautiful thing
With cardinal and finch on the wing;
But temperatures frigid
Have frozen me rigid,
So wake me up in the spring.
Jan 2, 2018
On New Year’s, I’m happy to say,
My resolve was on full display.
Since then, it’s devolved,
So next year I’m resolved,
My resolve will last more than one day.
Dec. 28, 2017
We take down the stockings and hold
To our hearts the stories we’ve told:
Amazing how warm
Is this Christmas norm,
When winter is so blasted cold.
Dec. 27, 2017
My holiday cheer and joy splinter
As Christmas now flees like a sprinter:
I’ll sip nog no longer,
But chug something stronger
To get me through three months of winter.
Dec. 26, 2017 (The Santa Anxiety Limericks)
The day after Christmas is here,
So relax, and be of good cheer;
And naughty or nice
Are questions on ice
’Til after Thanksgiving next year!
Dec. 25, 2017 (The Santa Anxiety Limericks)
Dear Santa: For goodness, I've striven.
It's hard in these lives that we're livin'.
But after a fall,
The best gift of all,
Is learning that all is forgiven.
Dec. 24, 2017 (The Santa Anxiety Limericks)
Dear Santa: My rhyme got too gnarly.
But to forgive is divine, or what are we?
I've been under stress;
T'was wrong, I confess.
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY!!
Dec. 23, 2017 (The Santa Anxiety Limericks)
Dear Santa Clause: We're nearly there.
It's time you and I cleared the air:
My record is spotty,
Yes, I've been naughty
YOU JUDGMENTAL PIG'S DERRIERE!!
Dec. 22, 2017 (The Santa Anxiety Limericks)
Dear Santa: Since you kissed my mother,
Bring presents for me and my brother,
Or I’ll tell your wife,
Cause marital strife,
And Christmas? There won’t be another.
Dec. 21, 2017 (The Santa Anxiety Limericks)
Dear Santa: As Christmas draws near,
Your naughty rule fills me with fear:
I’m good in December,
And in late November,
But could you have meant the whole year???
Dec. 20, 2017 (The Santa Anxiety Limericks)
Dear Santa: My status is dire
As Christmas comes down to the wire.
Your standards are tough;
Is “good” good enough
If I threw Becky’s doll on the fire?
Dec. 19, 2017 (The Santa Anxiety Limericks)
Dear Santa: I need some advice.
My soul is a nest filled with vice.
I’ve tried to be good,
And would if I could,
But naughtiness feels too nice.
Dec. 15, 2017
Dear Santa: In tea rooms and parlors,
From mountaintops down to our harbors,
Our poor nation's soul
Has only one goal:
To—Oh my gosh! Never mind! STAR WARS!!!
Dec. 14, 2017 (The Santa Anxiety Limericks)
Dear Santa Claus: Who is to say
Who’s naughty or nice every day?
Okay, so it’s true,
It’s technically you,
But why can’t you see shades of grey?
Dec. 13, 2017 (The Santa Anxiety Limericks)
Dear Santa Claus: Just to be clear,
Being good is a pain in the rear.
So, sorry I blew it,
I just couldn’t do it.
So let’s say we’ll see you next year.
Dec. 12, 2017
Dear Santa Claus: Under our tree,
Bring empathy, goodwill, and glee;
To children, give mirth;
Please bring peace on earth;
And one billion dollars for me.
Dec. 11, 2017
There once was a Christmas elf—Bobby—
Who learned to pick locks as a hobby.
Now doing hard time
To pay for his crime,
’Round Christmas, he got kind of robby.
Dec. 9, 2017
Dear Santa: Gee, how to begin it—
My year had a lot of sin in it.
Though you’ll bring me coal,
I’d say on the whole,
By gosh, it was worth ev’ry minute!
Dec. 8, 2017
An unhappy Chirstmas elf -- Ken --
Was fed up with Christmas times ten.
He hijacked the sleigh
And flew it away,
And never was heard from again.
Dec. 7, 2017
The reindeer tied up all the elves
And took all the toys from the shelves,
Gagged and bound Santa,
Flew to Atlanta,
And kept all the gifts for themselves.
Dec. 6, 2017
’Cause Santa moves ’round less than nimbly,
He opted to join a new gym; he
Did bunches of crunches
To offset his lunches,
Just so he could fit down the chimney.
Dec. 5, 2017
A jolly old elf, name of Santa,
Said, “Rudolf, please pass the Mylanta:
Our route was made murky
By not turning left at Atlanta.”
Dec. 4. 2017 (The Reindeer Limericks)
If rhymes without Rudolph seem wrong
(For he too is of Santa’s throng),
You really can’t blame us,
Though he’s the most famous,
’Cause, jeepers, he’s got his own song!
Dec. 3, 2017 (The Reindeer Limericks)
A joy-riding reindeer named Donner
Once crashed, and swore on his honor:
“The fault was not mine!
The presents are fine!
The sleigh, I’m afraid, is a goner.”
Dec. 2, 2017 (The Reindeer Limericks)
A partying reindeer named Dasher
Got drunk at a Christmas Eve smasher.
So Santa said, “stay,
You can’t pull my sleigh
Tonight--I’m afraid you might crash ’er.”
Dec. 1, 2017 (The Reindeer Limericks)
There once was a reindeer named Blitzen,
Who sweat awfully bad from his pits; ’n
He griped to his friends,
“I need a good cleanse,
Or something to stop all this schvitzin’."
Nov. 30, 2017 (The Reindeer Limericks)
There once was a reindeer named Vixen,
The best at gamblin’ and fixin’.
He covered the spread
So well, they all said
He cheats more than Richard M. Nixon.
Nov. 29, 2017 (The Reindeer Limericks)
There once was a reindeer named Cupid,
Who followed whatever the group did.
It made Santa weep:
“He’s more like a sheep,
And honestly, three times as stupid!”
Nov. 28, 2017 (The Reindeer Limericks)
There once was a reindeer named Comet,
Who really liked Wallace and Gromit.
He loved animations
Of all variations,
But Rudolf cartoons made him vomit.
Nov. 27, 2017 (The Reindeer Limericks)
There once was a reindeer named Dancer,
Who wasn't attracted to Prancer.
"Your horns are too short!"
She said with a snort,
So he tried an antler enhancer.
Nov. 26, 2017 (The Reindeer Limericks)
There once was a reindeer named Prancer,
Who fell for his sleigh-mate, sweet Dancer.
His found his task daunting
For his wooing was wanting --
He didn’t know how to romance her.
Nov. 25, 2017
The holiday spirit is waking,
As Christmas lists children are making;
But as leaves from the trees
Fall up past my knees,
Please Santa, just help with the raking!
Nov. 24, 2017
The turkey was big as a boat;
The gravy arrived in a moat;
We’d fine wine and cheeses,
But nothing that eases
The after Thanksgiving Day bloat.
Nov. 23, 2017 (Happy Thanksgiving!)
My family is loving and quirky;
My neighbors are nice and not jerky;
It’s a joy to be living,
But the thanks that I’m giving
Today is that I’m not a turkey.
Nov. 22, 2017
My son made a swear jar to pay
For swears that I swear every day;
Each swear costs a penny,
But my swears are so many,
He now owns my 401k.
Nov. 21, 2017
A conspiracy theorist named Ted
Adjusted the foil on his head,
And sat down with Eddie
(A poor displaced Yeti)
To argue that Elvis ain’t dead.
Nov. 20, 2017
The novelist sat back and laughed,
“I’ve mastered most all of my craft:
I’m great with narration,
And plot complication,
But can’t seem to write a first draft!”
Nov. 17, 2017
A Twitter wit tried (for a treat),
To tutor two twits how to tweet.
The Twit wit did coddle
The nitwit’s tweet twaddle
But the twits quit the wit in defeat.
Nov. 16, 2017
When trying to rhyme the word “purple
All he came up with was "shirple."
And "dirple" and "lurple,"
"Enmurple" and "gurple,"
And now "purple" doesn't even sound like a real word!!!!!
(Inspired by my old college roommate, Bill)
Nov. 15, 2017
The making of honey, you see,
Is a bee’s core identity;
But a bee who hates honey
Said, “ain’t it funny—
The question’s to bee or not bee.”
Nov. 14, 2017
The Pied Piper of Hamelin maintained
"A rat plague is easily feigned:
Bring your own rats,
Declaw the town cats,
Make certain your rats are well trained."
(Inspired by Terry Pratchett. If you haven't read The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents, you must.)
Nov. 13, 2017
Count Dracula said with a glower:
“I thought a vampire had power.
But I’m just a dud,
For no one sucks blood
Like a lawyer who bills by the hour.”
Nov. 11, 2017
A tight-rope walker did dare
To walk across fire in the air.
Applause was hard won
For the stunt was well done,
But he, only medium rare.
Nov. 10, 2017
A pole-vaulting wizard named Dell
Jumped with a flawed vaulting spell.
The audience cheered
When the pole disappeared,
But his jump didn't go over so well.
Nov. 9, 2017
A magician policeman named Steve
Fought crime like you wouldn’t believe:
With crooks on the run,
Instead of a gun,
He shot rabbits from out of his sleeve.
Nov. 8, 2017
A goose asked a doctor to crack
A small crick that was stuck in its back.
The crick remained stuck,
For the doc was a duck,
And a duck’s not a doc, but a quack.
Nov. 7, 2017
To win an astronaut race,
Bob drank rocket fuel by the case.
But right at the start,
He had a small fart,
And launched himself into space.
Nov. 6, 2017
He wrote just one poem, did Ben;
For he used a magical pen.
The words in his rhyme
Traveled backward in time
And started all over again.
Nov. 5, 2017
A dog surely thinks it no shame,
For its butt-sniffing has but one aim:
Through other dogs' rears,
Learn their hopes, dreams, and fears,
Their phone number, address, and name.
A debonair moth from Toledo
Went through silk like a high speed torpedo.
He wove his cocoon
By the light of the moon
And emerged in a three-piece tuxedo.